While admittedly not the gayest thing I have ever done, going to a Kenny Chesney concert with another dude certainly ranks somewhere between cuddling and quietly 69ing on the gay scale. Still, it was fucking awesome. Back about two months ago I was dating a stripper and went a little overboard when I heard Kenny was coming to town. I wanted the kind of seats that would undeniably command a blowjob, and figured row 11 on the floor would do the trick. Any further forward I just couldn't justify financially.

Three weeks ago, the stripper and I broke up. I still asked if she wanted to go on the condition that we get a hotel room and bang out after the concert, and she agreed. (At this point we weren't dating but I was taking her community college Statistics tests for her in exchange for sex on my lunch breaks, so I was pretty sure she'd be down for the idea.) Four days before the concert she backed out because she's now dating someone else.

The Good news was that I ended up taking this tall, skinny, brunette instead. The bad news... is that the tall skinny Brunette was Graham.

Here is the hierarchy with which I pick dates to a Kenny-esque concert:

1) Hot girl who will bang me.

2) Hot girl who might eventually bang me

3) Friend who is a girl that likes country

4) Hot girl who has a boyfriend, yet likes country and is cool

5) Homeless bag woman on the corner

6) A guy.

So we hopped in a Mazda Miatta, whipped up some daiquiris, and gave each other handjobs all the way to San Antonio while listening to "Girls just want to have fun." On the way Graham brought up a very realistic concern. "Did you bring the tickets? The concert is tonight, right? Friday not Saturday? I could see us driving all the way down here and it being tomorrow night. In which case I would shit all over your car. I would just drop my pants and take a huge shit right in this seat."

Surprisingly I had the tickets, the correct date, and Graham did not shit in my car. Except, we were about two hours late. There were some opening acts, but two hours was pushing it. When we got to the front door of the concert 80's music was blaring from inside, and I thought for a minute we had gone to the wrong venue. But the second we walked in, the Kenny Chesney prelude started playing. Indeed, we had timed it perfectly. So perfectly, in fact that after we had gotten beers and wine (I got both) and headed down to our seats, right in front of us Kenny popped out from the floor on this weird sex swing-trapeze thing and started singing as it suspended him above the crowd.

Graham and I were frantically trying to figure out where our seats were on the floor, and we kept getting sent back and forth between the retarded ushers. Finally, one figured it out and kicked these two old fat ladies out of our seats. When I had gotten the tickets I saw that they were seats number 24 and 25, which I assumed meant that we were going to be all the way against the wall in our row, far from the stage. Turns out, the stage came out to row 10 and there were 50 seats. We were RIGHT at the fence, right in front of the stage.

The fence was a TON of hot, fake titted girls, and me and Graham. We were so ruining the blonde skyline that a fat bouncer who looked like secret service even came up and asked us for our tickets because "he had some friends sitting there." He looked at them and quietly withdrew back to the little walrus cave he came out of. From then on, it was Graham, me, and Kenny Chesney.

Chesney Approving my Man Date

If you think this is a close up you should see the one I took of his package.

The radio station in Austin was broadcasting from the arena, so he played all of his big hits. The ones I remember are:

Anything but mine*
I go back*
There goes my life*****
No shoes, no shirt, no problem*
I went out last night*
Back where I come from*
Big star *
Never wanted nothing more *
Summertime*
Keg in the closet*
Down the Road*
Living in Fast Forward*
Beer in Mexico*

*The ones I ruined for the girl next to me

And really, you don't get a better playlist than that. When I wasn't trying to get Kenny to fist-pound me or trying to touch his cute little cowboy boots I was continually turning around and cheering at all the poor people behind and above us. It was truly the awesomest and gayest night I have ever had.