I'm come so far since my Mormon days *tear*

Disclaimer: It has taken me the better part of a week to go through the stages of fear, self-disgust, remorse, and even a fleeting thought of permanent sobriety to get me to the point where I can write about this. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and upset by it... but now my misfortune will be your entertainment, per usual.

I always have, and always will, learn the hard way. That is, after all, the nature of the dumbass. Combine that with my love of alcohol and my feeling of inherent necessity to gamble and take risks, and the result is an eventual DUI. My old roommate got one. A girl I was dating recently got one. I previously barely escaped one. And yet, not even all of these examples, nor the wrecked four-wheeler, nor the two side mirrors I smashed off my car, were reason enough to stop driving drunk. My reward for being such a good learner? The following:

1) 30 days in the slammer:

With a guilty plea twenty days are suspended, the other ten are served in the Magical Kingdom of Tent City, under the benevolent rule of "Sheriff Joe." For those of you who haven't seen the commercials on TV, he looks like a real gem. One of his commercials, where he advertises employment as part of his "team," alludes that you will learn the arts of attack doggery and group-riot shield assault. You can see all the prisoners in the background sweating their balls off because it's outside, in the desert, in the summer. Wow, even as I type this I'm getting a boner thinking about going.

It's just that.... I don't have the right body type for jail. It's thin, white, and otherwise unpenetrated. I've heard what happens in these places. I want to walk there and be like, "Ok, I'm going to close my eyes and I want one of you to punch me in the head until I am unconscious.  I won't peek.  If I wake up, do it again until I am released.  And I better not wake up with AIDS." In addition to practicing kegel exercises with my anus at work, my backup plan, shown below, will hopefully confuse the inmates as to which anus is actually my real one and buy me a few precious minutes to say goodbye to my manflower, before it gets plucked.

Man-ouflage Boxers

2) Car Impounded: Yesterday's good news was that I bought a car. The bad news is that it's my car. If you've seen it recently, you'll know it's worth the single dollar ($1) I paid my dad for it. You see, this is one leg of an elaborate plan. Little Maxi has been grounded for a month. After carting me all over the United States, the State of Arizona has finally clipped her wings. The only way to get her out of impound is for the actual owner to take the title and registration to the Scottsdale PD and have them issue a release order. If I told my dad about the DUI he would have had to fly out from Maryland and claim it, and there was no way I was telling my dad. So I told him it was finally time I start paying my own car insurance, and that I need the title to register it to insure it by myself. What? Do you know your own son at all? Why the hell would I want to do that? Whatever, it worked and now I own my car and no one knows about the DUI.

3) $3,500 fine: Thirty Five Hundred Bacon Cheeseburgers; that's going to be stiff and almost wipe out everything I saved to come back and do my research.

4) $1,000 lawyer: That's going to finish off the rest.

5) $600 in alcohol classes: ...Which means I'll probably have to suck dick for these.

5) Having a breathalyzer attached to my car for a year: I hear these make dates a slam dunk when you have to blow-start your car. Chicks know you're a winner and that your life is going in the right direction. Not to mention your boss or visiting family.

6) Suspended license: I'm going to do some puppeteering time wise with this category. My license in Arizona (if I had one) will be suspended for ninety days. If they tell Virginia, Virginia will suspend it for a year. So I think I'm going to get an Arizona license, surrender it in court so they don't tell Virginia, and maybe hit up Maryland for a third one just in case. If you couldn't tell, I need my freedom.

I actually do owe this debt to society, and then some. Don't send messages of sympathy or condolences, because this is long overdue, and I deserve it. But, as it turns out, every person in my engineering department except for our boss has a DUI also, and one guy hasn't driven in three years. So this was basically my initiation? I don't know but I designed a new logo for our department.

My Idea for the New Engineering Department Logo

I'll let you know how this turns out, it ain't gonna be pretty.