What I Write When I'm Drunk at Work

and too lazy to think of a good title.

Last night was your usual Sunday night where we went out drinking heavily and I tried to get the intern drunk so he wouldn't want to wake up and drive me to work at 7 AM. The plan backfired, and I discovered that waking up sober at 7 is a lot better than waking up wasted at 8. Besides that, work has been going pretty well recently. I hold myself to only accomplishing a single task of any value for the day, then I mentally check out and joke with everyone about how fucked I am for this DUI. I may just start throwing out subtle hints during plea bargain negotiations that I will give the DA the best, sloppiest blowjob he's ever received, if all charges are dropped. I mean, I'll probably end up having to do it in jail anyway, and this way I am guaranteed to only give one.

DA: "Hang, Hang on Attorney Chick. Could you please tell your client to take his tongue out of his cheek and stop making the cupping gesture with his hand?"

It turns out that the breathalyzer I am going to have to install in my car has a few features I didn't know about. As you blow into it, you have to hum. You not only have to blow into it to start the car, but periodically while you drive, or the car will shut off. Working before noon on Friday mornings is going to be pretty much out of the question. It records failed attempts, and will sometimes give false positives due to mouthwash, etc. So this is basically what I'm picturing while driving down the highway talking on the phone:

"No, the one with the girl from Laguna Beach. Yeah. Yeah, I want to punch her in the neck. Oh wait, hang on my thingie is beeping. *Long Pause* You could hear that? Yup, that was Yankee Doodle. Cross your fingers because I just brushed my....oh shit. SHHHHHHHIT. My car just shut off. I'm coasting to a stop on this overpass and there's nowhere to pull over. Now I'm stopped. Nope, the left lane. Man this guy behind me looks angry. No, I don't know karate. Welp, I think I'm going to leave it here and start walking. I'll see you in a couple of hours if I don't get shot."

Craig, our engineering intern, also got a DUI recently. He has court in a week, and at lunch today I told him I would pay him a thousand dollars (and I was serious) to say the following, but he has to say it EXACTLY like I write it:

Craig: "Your honor, I demand this case be dismissed immediately on the grounds that I need a do-over."

*Judge obviously denies request*

Craig: "Ok well then .......why don't you go fuck yourself? What do you think about that?"

At this point he either has to A) look over his shoulder at the other criminals, grin, and give a thumbs up, or B) sprint out of the courtroom.

His DUI is a lot less severe than mine, and I told him the maximum sentence the judge can give him is 10 days in jail. This is a total guess, and if he listens to me he is a complete idiot. Still, since I have Lawyer Bill on my speed dial and he doesn't, apparently this makes me seem like I have any idea what I'm talking about. I think just about anyone who is dumb enough to listen to me deserves to be in the Big House for 10 days, just to learn a lesson. Listening to my love advice would mandate a month.