I've probably mentioned this before, but one of the statistics that I can see from my website is what links people have clicked on to arrive at my webpage. These are forwarding links on the World Wide Web; besides them I can't tell if you came from a link in an AIM profile, if you directly typed in the address, or if the link was in an email. Unfortunately. One of my favorite things to do is sit around and see how you people were referred to my site. Google, Yahoo, and MSN catalog all of my webpages regularly without me ever asking, and then when people type in weird things, my articles come up. I've been keeping track of the odd and hilarious ones for several months now, and will start (and continue) to keep a section of my site devoted to the freaks, retards, and perverts roaming the internet. These are the "Came From" statistics, and believe me, they're worth sharing.

I'm struggling with which to post first - some of these are superb. After randomly choosing, the winner is:

Greer, South Carolina:

and his search for 'My Wife's Tits' in Google.

Dear Greer,

Ahhh, those tits. I'm always misplacing them too. If you don't find them on Google, your wife's blouse might be a good place to start looking. Nine times out of ten they'll be in there, and that other time you'll find them on Bourbon Street. You know - whenever I lost something as a kid, my mom always used to tell me to start looking in the last place I remembered seeing it. If that holds true as the reason for your search online... sorry, but, you're wife's a whore. I'd skip Google and head straight for MySpace. Since you apparently haven't seen these tits recently, I'm guessing your love life has turned South so the next place I'd check is your neighbor's mouth. Like when you asked him what was new and he giggled a little too much when he said he had recently taken up juggling.

They'll turn up eventually, and it's always in the last place you'd expect. So probably like... in your best friend's porno. I'd take another look around the internet about a week after her next business trip, or Spring Break. And if I ever run into her, then you'll definitely be able to find her sagging all over Google. If they turn up around our frathouse, I'll shoot you an email. Or, I could always come to your house and help you look. You know - lend a hand?

Love,

Perry