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Monday June 27, 2005

The Ideal Bathroom: As only I could design it.

Yesterday, after eating a lunchfull of quesadillas from Taco Bell, my system decided it was time to clean itself out. I try to take dumps in public restrooms as infrequently as possible, but just in case, I know where the cleanest and least-frequented facility is near my office. At the end of my sprint, I made sure there was toilet paper, slammed the door, and basically finished before my cheeks hit the seat. Nothing unusual.

As I sat there waiting for round 2, some guy came in to the stall next to me, dropped his pants, and began going into labor. The next and longest five minutes of my life consisted of being forced to listen to the log of shit creak out of this guy's ass. I felt like clapping and cheering when it finally hit the water. Instead, the incident prompted me to make some changes in the bathroom as we know it.... from the male point of view. I'm not talking about doing to bathrooms what Exhibit and his crew of illiterate felons to do cars on "Pimp My Ride," I'm talking about going back to the basics.

What is the purpose of a bathroom, besides a neat place to have sex in?

The purpose of a bathroom is to collect your number 1's and 2's in the most comfortable and private manner possible.

The two operational words in that sentence are private and comfortable. Let's break the standard bathroom down into three areas: shitters, urinals, and sink areas, with a special section for toilet paper and dispenser techniques.

SHITTERS




Look at that thing. I don't want to sit on that, it intimidates me. It looks like a bear trap for my ass. As far as how comfortable a shitter is, I'm just fine with normal hard plastic or porcelain. The colder the better, because there's nothing like cold porcelain to make you sure you mean business. Privacy is a serious concern with shitters, because as opposed to nearly-silent urinals, the shape of a toilet bowl acts like a megaphone for your shouting anus. There are two fixes for this problem. The easier is to pump really, really loud elevator music into the bathroom. Everyone gets distracted, no one focuses. The second is to simply have the seat attached to the handle, so as long as you sit on the toilet it is constantly flushing. We'll call this the continual courtesy flush system. This is a viable fix only for toilets without tanks, attached to a pressurized water system, common to large and multistory buildings.

Visual privacy is equally important to auditory privacy. I don't want to see feet, I don't want to see shadows under the door, I want to stare at the poorly grammared graffiti in peace. The walls of stalls should extend from floor to ceiling, like they do in most nice casinos. I can't stand the flimsy metal stall construction used way too frequently. I have on more than one occasion (and under severe pain and duress) pushed or pulled one of these walls enough to cause the entire stall to distort, locking me in a metal cage until I bend it back. Want to stop graffiti? Make the stalls out of the same plastic used in cutting boards. You obviously can't cut it, and you can't mark it with pencil, pen, or maker. God I'm a genius.

URINALS


First of all, what the hell is a urinal cake? And why did they have to use the name "cake," like it comes in flavors of chocolate or vanilla? Does it really serve a purpose? You can't tell me that there's a purpose in it disinfecting my perfectly clean (and mostly alcohol) urine before it goes down the tube to join my other fecal matter and excrement. If the purpose is disinfection or odor reduction, why don't we have them in shitters? Someone didn't think that one through.

Since pissing in the urinal is virtually silent, the real concern here is having to piss while standing six inches from another dude. I don't like the idea of giving another man a free peek at my junk, and I don't really even want to know who I'm pissing next to. Urinal screens should be required by law, with a tax break for the full floor to ceiling kind.



So what if the bathroom you're in doesn't have urinal screens? Here's your new game plan: There is actually a science to pissing in urinals, dominated by statistics and the fear of placing your fully exposed penis within reach of a man who is neither your doctor or priest. Please refer to the diagram below.



Let's say you're the first one in the bathroom. Which urinal do you choose? On first glance, you may say Urinal C, since it's right in the middle with plenty of space on the left and right sides. WRONG. Assuming someone else comes in, they have only two choices out of four, A and E, which will leave a buffer toilet between you. Choosing Urinal C gives you a 50/50 chance of having another man within striking distance of your package. Choosing urinals B or D yield the same percentage, with the advantage of a 1:4 possibility of a two toilet buffer. Choosing either far side urinal, A or E, gives a preferably low 1:4 chance or someone else invading your territory, with the odds of a multiple toilet buffer increased to 50/50. Wall adjacent toilets are your friends.

SINK AREA




I find this to be the least important area of the bathroom, and yet the most frequently "improved" with novelty electronics which are lame anyway. Motion sensing faucets suck. I feel like I'm trying to land a jet on an aircraft carrier every time I try to wash my hands in one of these sinks, just to get the damn water to come out. Equally irritating are the faucets which cut off the water five seconds after you press the knob to start the water flow. I'll turn off the faucet myself when I'm good and ready, and I don't feel like smacking the knob 6 or seven times.

Everyone is astonished at how quickly I piss. You want to know my secret? I don't wash my hands. I don't need to, because when I was a boy I mastered the art of not pissing on my hands. I don't touch anything in the bathroom besides my penis, which I guarantee I keep cleaner than any janitor keeps any bathroom....ever. Plus when I come out after I do wash my hands and someone wants a handshake, there is always the awkward pause as they try to figure out by the temperature of my hands if the liquid is water or urine. So I don't give two shits about any kind of sink, trim, hand dryer, towel dispenser, or any of the sort because I rarely use them.

TOILET PAPER


The toilet paper /dispenser system, arguably the most important part of any bathroom, is by far the most mismanaged. For the actual quality of the paper: there are some things in life which shouldn't be skimped on, and toilet paper and steak are two of them. Every time I crap a bathroom on campus I feel like I'm wiping my ass with transparent 200 grit sandpaper. It's so thin that I need to unroll like half a mile of it to wipe my ass once, so I'd say I go through about 200 miles per restroom visit. Unrolling that much toilet paper brings me to my other point about the dispenser system, simpler really is better. The systems they have in bathrooms now are horrible, dominated by two kinds. I will call them the Jolly Roger and the Magic Box.

The Jolly Roger is supposed to be cost effective because you can load like 6 miles of toilet paper into it at a time. I like to call it the Jolly Roger because the wheel is so big and hard to turn that I feel like I'm trying to steer a pirate ship through rocky shoals just to get a square out to wipe my ass. And once you start the wheel turning, it doesn't like to stop. So now you have three times more than you needed, which ends up touching the floor, and you have to start over again. A real pain in the ass. But not nearly as much of a pain in the ass as the.....



Magic Box. This thing really pisses me off. I call it the Magic Box because you need to be a magician to get anything out of it. 9 times of out of 10 when I go to crap, I turn around and see this guy. The roll on the bottom is always gone, and although I can derive Bernoulli's Equation from scratch, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to drop that second roll down. WHY THE FUCK IS IT LOCKED UP THERE? I feel like I need to go up to the janitor and ask, "Hey man, can I borrow your key? I only got halfway done with wiping my ass and the second roll is safely locked away from me." Not only that, but the Magic Box is stingy. The bearings on the roll are always shitty, so I can only pull out one square of TP before it breaks off and sends me tearing back at it like a bloodthirsty wolverine.



Going to the bathroom really could be a good time instead of the grab-bag experience it is now, and no one would have to fork over that much more money. And I continue to waste my time with Engineering.
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