except the bracelets that say it

Last night at the bar I had to ask the same question at least four times, "What is that bracelet for?" Well make that three times...the fourth was, "What is that gay pink bracelet for?" It turns out it was supporting breast cancer awareness. I was then sarcastically dared to continue making fun of it. Just because a bracelet represents something legitimate doesn't make it stop looking stupid and ugly. Under this logic I could wear out my AIDS awareness clownsuit, or perhaps my leukemia awareness figure skating tights, and then chastise anyone who dared say I look stupid.

Livestrong bracelets? Fine. Trendy, but fine. Although if I were a cancer survivor....fuck a puny bracelet I'd have something more like:

A bad-ass tattoo. So many people wear the livestrong bracelets that I feel like if I don't wear one, I'm supporting cancer. Even worse, they have inspired an entire fashion explosion of really really lame wristbands, and that's what I have a problem with. Let's take a look at some of the winners I found on Ebay:

Ranking: Mildly Homosexual, Extremely Stupid

Who the hell would walk around with one of these on their wrists? "I support Hope" or... "I support Courage" That's fucking great, now finish pumping my gas. These things are colored like a car freshly rolled out of a junkyard. Still, there are worse:

Ranking: Actually Make Me Angry

I'm pretty sure the "Harmony & Balance" bracelet is legal grounds for divorce. The stability bracelet? The only good use for that would be making insane asylum patients wear it as a joke. These things really disgust me. Some unoriginal hippie bastardized the idea of using these bracelets as fundraisers to make money off the weak-minded.

There are cancer bracelets, AIDS bracelets, war effort bracelets, sports team bracelets, bracelets to support absolutely everything. So why buy 25 different bracelets when you can buy my:

EVERYTHING BAND
If they thought you were gay before, now they'll know for sure!

For those of you who support/hate (in order of color in picture):

Lance Armstrong
Cubs
Lavender
AIDS
Halloween
Luke Skywalker
African Americans
Caucasians
People Who Don't Brush Their Teeth
Pastel Colors
Eggplant
Hokies
Baseball
Ralph Lauren's Polo / Sport of Polo / Horses
Rich / Poor people
Homeless People

**Also doubles as an Allen Iverson basketball shooting sleeve**

Or maybe my specialty bracelet for the one group for which there is no association, club, or formal organization, yet without this group there would be nothing to be different from:

The wealthy upper-middle class male caucasian band.

Anyone remember the friendship bracelets of the 80's? They're making a comeback as well:

I don't get the whole friendship bracelet thing. If you need a bracelet to know whether or not you're friends with someone, you need tongs more than a bracelet....to pull your head out of your ass. What they should be used for, is after vague breakups. You give your ex-significant other this bracelet to let them know that ....*bam* you're now just friends. I designed a modern one just for that purpose:

Look at that lovely watermelon color scheme, and gets the point across nicely. Coming soon to a store near you.