I LOVE HIPPIES

I have always loved Hippies. Whenever I run out of deep, contemplative thoughts, or bad smell, I seek one out immediately. I love how they actually try to change the world instead of just whine about it as they smoke pot and play ultimate frisbee. I love hearing the phrase "Right on" twelve times as I try to order a tasty blue moon from Rivermill.

A little while ago I got an email for "Earth Day," which was the final straw. I will list and dissect it piece by piece, with my comments in red:

For this year's Earth Day fair, we will be on the Virginia Tech drillfield for the whole day,
(Bad idea hippies, now I know where to plan my surgical strike)
having a great time with a bunch of different fun activities. Included are:

Over 60 student groups and local businesses You mean maybe 60 students attending. Which is a stretch.
Make and fly kites from recycled materials Which I will photograph to show your kids in 10 years what a loser you were.
Plant an Ecosystem in a bottle I am more a fan of planting Bottles in Ecosystems.
Alternative Transportation Hopefully hurses
Bike Workshops Contrary to popular belief, hippies don't ride bikes. They're too lazy. Instead they drive shitty cars.

Exhibit A: Shitty Hippie Car

Hybrid Vehicles A concept hippies may understand but have no hope of affording. Hybrids are stupid anyways. Grease-run car It's oil, not grease. For every ounce, about 12 chicken are fried in it. Anyone else love the irony?
A wind turbine No better way to ruin a beautiful skyline.
Bake Sales Hippie code phrase for "drug sale"... German Shepherds are in route.
Flower Sale The hippie money-making idea which is why they're all millionaires.
Button Making Second only to Flower Sales, Button Making recently surpassed Bird Housery in profitability.
Hourly Bike Parades Which will have trouble getting around my hourly road blocks.
Reverend Billy and The Church of Stop Shopping Because you can grow clothes and hygiene products in the garden.
Leave-No-Trace workshop Actually "Leave-No-Evidence-Of-Mind-Altering-Drugs" workshop.
T-shirts for sale - 2:00-4:00 I thought of a few of my own designs I would like them to sell as well:

Anti-Starbucks parade
12:30 - Drillfield and Downtown
Join Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping to protest the new Starbucks being built at Kent Square. A parade will leave from the drillfield to the new Starbucks on Main Street and the demons of the multinational corporation will be exorcised from the building!

Man do I wish I worked at Starbucks. I bet all of the employees went outside and laughed at the 3 or 4 people who made it from the drillfield to Kent Square because, like I said, hippies are lazy. Then they probably threw hot coffee on them. I wonder if this crusade took the long way and swung by McDONALDS, BURGER KING, TACO BELL, DOMINOES, HARDEES, WAL-MART, or RADIO SHACK, because Starbucks is the only multinational company in town.

Reverend Billy Performance
9:00 PM - Squires Old Dominion Ballroom
Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping will be giving a soul-raising performance in Squires Old Dominion Ballroom! The backup singers and keyboardists will help Reverend Billy raise the spirits of the attendees and rejoice in the glory of stop-shopping. Come learn about what blind consumption does to ourselves, our country and our planet! Learn how you can stop mega-corporations from threatening us more! Be prepared to dance, sing, clap and laugh - ALOT!!!

I am already laughing - ALOT!!!, trust me.

Finally, while fishing today I thought of some basic guidelines to tell whether or not you're a hippie if you're not sure:

If you own a gun or weapon of any sort, you are not a hippie.
If you have the slightest bit of muscle mass, you are not a hippie.
If you own a collared shirt, you are not a hippie.
If you shower biweekly or more frequently, you are not a hippie.
If you voted for either of the Bushes, or any Republican, ever, you are not a hippie.
If you know you can't change the world, you're not a hippy.

It's not to say that I don't like hippies. There is a proper time and place for them, which is "Now" and "Canada".