Update: No one bought my stuff. Though, they did have some interesting questions that I responded to, which are now down at the bottom.

I am auctioning the following on Ebay. The link is Here.Happy Bidding.

Pack Rat's Delight: Closet Liquidation!!!

It's like a yard sale, without the old people!!

My mom always used to say, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." I say we find out. I can't stand cleaning my room. I was working on it the other day and frankly just ran out of steam when it came to the closet. Thus, I am auctioning everything that is currently on my closet floor. That's right, everything that is physically touching my closet floor can be yours. The bidding will start at one nickel ($.05), plus shipping, no reserve. I am going to add an additional $5 to the shipping cost to pay the guy living on my couch to pack everything into the mystery box (see picture) and ship it to you. Honestly, I am not sure exactly what I am auctioning, because I can't exactly sort through and inventory everything. If I was going to do that, I may as well organize it, or throw it all away myself. Let's explore this bounty of hidden treasure:

1) Mystery Box!

I have not rummaged through this in well over a year, but it is freaking heavy. Based on what I remember packing into it over the last ten years, it most likely contains the following, in addition to 30 pounds of stuff long forgotten:

*Little League trophies from the years 1985 through 1989. If you are overweight, you can use them to pretend you were athletic at one point. I don't know why I hung on to these after I learned the guy on top wasn't actually made of gold.

*Books I have never read, and you probably won't either. Make decent toilet paper substitute on camping trips.

*Atleast one wetsuit. If you do not consider yourself tall, lanky, and exceedingly good looking, it will mostly likely not fit you.

POSSIBLE BONUS: remnants of my childhood "collecting" days, including old coins, arrow heads, miscellaneous baseball cards, spark plugs, or rocks. Very slim possibility of a My Little Pony.

2) Clothing - Of various styles spanning three decades: minimal monetary value, priceless entertainment value. If you are a man of mildly large stature, you can probably rip half of these by flexing like you are the incredible hulk. If I had muscles I would have already done this.

3) Dry Erase Board - Contains phone numbers from companies that interviewed me and did not give me job offers. Crank calls are encouraged. There is also a phone number below the name quot;Amy," ...and I don't know any Amy's. This could be the perfect blind date opportunity for you!!!

4) Magenta Towel - I don't remember buying, borrowing, or stealing this, it's just kind of "always been there." 50/50 shot of being devoid of genetic evidence.

5) Cooking Pot - Crafted from the finest of Boyscout Steels, several crawfish have met their boiling end here. Works great for gathering rain and stool samples.

6) Single Brown Shoe - Purchased as half of a pair from old college roommate. Good addition to Halloween costume if you are dressing up like a poor Pilgrim.

7) P.O.S. Laptop Computer - Once home to over 40 Gigs of porn, now: has broken LCD screen, removed hard drive, is coated with dried Bud Light. Will not power up.

8) Shirt That Makes Me Look Like a Sea Snake - Tricked into buying this by a hot girl who said I looked good in it. It is the only Polo shirt I actually hate.

9) Khaki pants - Size: Unknown. So old that folded creases are now probably permanent; might make decent Khaki Daisy Dukes.

10) Broken keyboard - Missing some keys. Which .......reminds me, some of the P.O.S. laptop keys are most likely stuck.

11) More Wires than any One Man Could Ever Use - Self Explanatory.

12) Windsurfing Harness - When strapped in properly, it feels like your balls are in a Guillotine, waiting to be sliced off with the slightest wrong move.

13) Pirate Headband - Has survived a Disney New Years Cruise. Guaranteed to make you look like a jackass. (See Fig. 2)

Fig. 2: Ugly Striped shirt sold separately.

14) Nags Head NC "Dangerous Water" Flag - Authentic flag warning people to stay out of dangerous surf and riptides. Absence is most likely responsible for the loss of life at some point.

15) Three Computer Mice - I have nicknamed them the "Three Blind Mice" because they are all optical and broken.

16) Coat Hangers Galore - I guarantee atleast two dozen coat hangers. Some wire, some plastic, some with that cardboard cylinder that makes them look like an empty roll of toilet paper on a wire. Possible uses: Spare car key, poor man's abortion, replacement bicycle spoke? You can get creative.

17) Most Poorly Designed Mobile Phone Accessory Ever Invented - Makes you look like a McDonald's worker; feels like a bear trap on your ear. You'll have to say everything atleast twice. If you mumble like me, thrice.

Again, this is only a fraction of what I will actually send you, because this is only the crap visible on top of the pile. My Grandfather would honestly have a stroke if he saw me auctioning this stuff off. But then again, he steals napkins from Burger King and cuts them in half. Plus, this stuff's gotta go.

Methods of Payment: Cash, PayPal, Money Order, and Sexual Favors.

Questions