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Tuesday March 14, 2006

"I'm not in a frat, I'm in a fraternity"

Gentlemen, Acceptance is the First Step.


If you ever thought you were in a social fraternity in college, you were wrong. You were in a frat. Even if yours was one of the shitty ones that had like 25 people and threw parties like the girl scouts, it wasn't a fraternity. It was a frat. You see, fraternities, actual fraternities, were around to unite the most socially inept males and females before the late 1950's, when fun and oral sex were discovered. In fact, the species of Fraternity Man (Boringus chokeum onballzicus) was completely pushed into extinction by the 1960's era of free love, drugs, and the fierce sexually aggressive disposition of the modern Frat Boy (Roofius Her Beerzicus). After hearing from multiple people that everyone at their college called them "fraternities" as opposed to "frats," I present this document as a defense for why that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

"Fraternity" is nothing more than a word used to legitimize debauchery to parents and new members. And it works. The irony lies in the fact that the biggest rush tools of such institutions are parties, hot girls, and booze.... everything that turns a fraternity into a frat. Is there anything wrong with this? Absolutely not. But let's call a spade a spade. Pledging a frat at the tender age of 23 to find increasingly creative ways to drink myself into unconsciousness was definitely in the top 3 best decisions of my life. Consequently, it also prepared me for the vast amounts of post-college binge drinking I've stumbled upon recently. Let's get back to my defense, and highlight subtle differences.

Girls: You did not walk home in high heels and men's basketball shorts on Sunday morning from the fraternity house. You walked back from the frat house, after shacking with a frat guy, who bragged about it to all his frat brothers. You were not invited to fraternity formals to demonstrate your Foxtrot, Waltz, or showcase your table manners. You were invited to frat formals to gossip about your sisters, pregame so hard you pass out before dinner, and inevitably cry at some point in the night. It's expected, and a right of passage.

Guys: You didn't meet fraternity brothers to make future career connections, you met frat brothers to be wingmen that you race into inebriation while drinking $2 Natural Light drafts and chasing tail. You didn't join a fraternity to sip Brandy out of snifters on graduation night, instead you joined a frat to fill sinks with vomit and golf cups with urine. Instead of taking the LSAT's, you left a legend. Fraternity men do not play 40 hands, beer baseball, flip-cup, or beer pong. Frat guys do.

Being a "frat guy" in college is kind of like masturbating in highschool. Everyone loved it, no one wanted to admit it, but looking back, there's no need to be ashamed of it. In fact, the only downfall of being a frat boy that I can think of is that after being provided with naive sorostitutes in a fostered college environment, the frat beast loses it's natural hunting skills and has a hard readjustment when returned to the wild of the bar scenes in the real world.

Shakespeare wrote (Romeo and Juliet), "That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." In that case, That which we call a frat boy by any other name would still binge drink, chase girls, shower infrequently, live in a shithole, and love every God Damn second of it.
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