The Disney Cruise isn't the Disney Cruise until I get drunk and do something stupid on it. Last time, I got drunk and puked in the elevator. This time, I was determined to set a new record. New Years Eve began at dinner. We ate next to the actor that plays Elliot on the show "Just Shoot Me" and my dad broke out the expensive wine. 

I found out a quick way to piss of my dad was to have him pour me a glass of wine and ask how much the bottle cost. "$500 bucks." Then saying, "So I guess this just cost you *Chug the glass* $100 bucks" and laughing with my sister. I can't tell the difference between nice wine and shitty wine anyways, so I may as well have some fun with it. After a couple glasses of wine the lobster and Cristal came out. I had a few glasses of Cristal to gear up.

We went on deck, and I got three rounds of double fisted Miller Lights. Still no buzz. Two glasses of champage, New Years countdown, time to go to the bar and finish the job of drinking myself into a coma and doing something stupid. I started doing shots of Patron at the bar by myself. There were three girls worth mentioning at the bar. The hot one I mentioned earlier, a chubby little slutty one, and a third one my little sister had met the night before while making an ass of herself singing Karaoke. The hot one was being monopolized by the Scottsdale douchebag, so I waited while talking to the third girl and getting eyed down by the chubby slutty looking one. This isn't the first time she had eyed me down. She tried talking to me the night before when I was drunk and I remember she looked like a horse from the waste down, so I ignored her. She wanted me, BAD. I look good in a suit and didn't blame her.

When the girl I was talking to (who doesn't drink) went to the bathroom, the minotaur looking girl came over and started talking to me. She said she was 20, which in cruise talk means 17. I dismissed her and took more shots, and that's the last thing I remember. When I came to, I was completely naked, hooking up with a girl who was also naked, and it was pitch black. There was a man snoring in the bed next to us, and I had no idea which girl I was with. She wanted me to go get a condom, and I knew my mormon older sister had some, so I walked down 5 floors in my boxers on the disney cruise and banged on my sister's door.

I went back up and finally got to see who she was when she opened the door, it was the girl I had been talking to who went to the bathroom, who didn't drink. DIDN'T DRINK. And I was wasted. Sure, why not. I go in and we get back at it, but my penis was completely flacid, and there was no recessutating it. Not even close. She tried to correct the problem for what seemed like a good couple of hours until the guy started waking up and threw me out.

I was going to say goodbye but had no idea what her name was. I put back on my suit pants and she started quickly piling all my stuff on my arms like a load of laundry: shirt, jacket, shoes, etc. I walked out the door, barefoot, shirtless, and carrying all of my shit, and she shut the door behind me. I took a good look around. It was 11:30, and there were people everywhere. I looked towards the elevator where there was a mom and her son (who was about 7) staring at me. She grabbed him by the shoulders and turned his back to me. Nice try lady, we were going to share the elevator. In fact there were 3 more people inside, and the elevator kept stopping at floors between 7 and 2 where the door would open, people would take one look, see me, and wait for the next one.

I got back to my room and threw all my stuff on the floor, and went to the bathroom. I was still wasted. I started to piss and something was strange....something was missing: the sound of the pee hitting the water. I looked down and I still had a condom on, which was rapidly filling with urine. Before I could pinch off the stream or get my hands on the urine balloon, it shot off me and hit the back of the toilet, spraying my urine everywhere. I can't think of a better way to start 2006.