First, I would like to say thanks for the birthday calls, texts, messages, and IM's, and slanderings on my facebook wallpaper (Katie). The best, by far, was the card from my grandparents:

WTF?

Welp, today I have successfully beaten off evolution's attempts to cleanse me from the gene pool for a 27th straight year. Twilight has finally begun to set on my childhood. The 27th birthday is nothing glamorous; it's three years from 30 which is a foot in the grave as far as I'm concerned. Soon people are going to start asking me why I'm still renting and where my wife is, and all I'm going to have is a monumental collection of empty liquor bottles and jokes that I forgot her at the bar. Plus, birthdays are getting kind of old. I mean, I've already had 26 of them so they're nothing new.

Still, things have been going pretty well recently, contrary to my birthday card and other popular belief:

Thanks to a three pronged attack from the federal government, student loans, and my job, I am now officially out of debt. I am fully insured, both in the car and health varieties. My job is easy, and I own it. Yesterday I had my 45 day review, and I have been late for the past 44 days. Even when my boss voluntarily pushed my starting time back to 9:00. My punctuality wasn't even brought up, because I rule. Still, there are areas of improvement to be had in my life, so I think I'll lay some out. These are like "New Years Resolutions," except they won't be ridiculous, because I won't still be drunk the morning when I make them.

1) Quit Smoking.

Again. Third time's the charm.

2) Finish My Master's Degree.

My 10 year highschool reunion is next May, and it is a requirement that I be able to say, "Yeah I just graduated in December." Although, at the same time, being in college for 10 years is a claim I wouldn't mind having under my belt.

3) Stop Breaking the Bed When I Masturbate.

The Incredible Hulk couldn't bend that back into shape.

4) Learn to Throw a Football Like a Boy.

Summer = pool, pool = throwing the football, throwing the football = total embarrassment. Anytime I've started throwing the football, it ends with me being the monkey in the middle.

5) Learn the Proper Use of "Who" and "Whom."

I think I was sick that day of English in highschool. Or quite possibly drunk.

6) Stop the Ridiculous Sunday Drinking.

$2 mimosas at "Sunday Brunch" are fine and dandy until you order 68 of them, and your tab is the size of a car payment.

Stay tuned for an update. Tomorrow is another adventure to Bullhead City, AZ for work.