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Sunday August 27, 2006

The Perry Family: A glimpse into the crystal ball.

I was on the phone with my mom the other day, and after she told me the same stories she has told me the last three calls, the conversation took a turn for the worse.

Mom: "You're starting to get old! You should probably start thinking about settling down huh?"

Me: "No."

Mom: "Well you want a family, don't you?"

Me: "Eventually, but I have a lot of growing up to do. Plus, I'm going to marry someone insanely younger, so I'm in no rush. She's probably not legal yet anyway."

Mom: *laugh* "Well you know there are a bunch of cute young Mormon girls."

(Yeah you meet a lot of those at the bar)

Me: "So how's the weather in Seattle?"

Mom: "Seriously, have you thought about it at all? Marriage has eternal consequences."

Me: "Nope."

Mom: "You know I'm sure there are a lot of cute girls in Institute out there. " (Institute is a Mormon college-aged activity/branch of the Mormon Church)

Me: "This is getting awkward. I'm going to go."

Mom: "Think about i------" *Click*

Last time I checked, I'm not the neighborhood Grandchild smack peddler... and she's got the itch. I could always whip up a bastard in 9 or ten months, but that's so white trash. Then there's always the slim chance that maybe she already has another grandchild that neither of us are aware of. Tomorrow I could answer the door to an eight year old saying, "My mommy says you're my daddy. And that you owe her twelve thousand dollars." Wouldn't that be outstanding? The conversation did get me thinking about the future and wondering how fatherhood is going to be. Unless God has a sense of humor, I'll be sterile anyway and no one will have to worry.

My wife. Whenever she gets out of line, I'm going to start introducing her as, "This is my first lady, xxxxx." Not so much implying that I am the President, but more implying that there will inevitably be a "second lady" if she doesn't get her act together. Our couch will be the most comfortable couch ever made, because I'm sure I'll be exiled to it for lengthy stretches of time. Here's a disturbing thought for the rest of you single guys about your future wife: Assume that she will be hot. That means that most likely, at this very moment, she is in a relationship and getting railed by another dude. No, never mind, don't think about that. It'll just make you mad.

Eventually, I want kids. Logically, in some way they must be worth having, otherwise our planet would constantly be depopulating. I want to have at least two so that I can enslave them, play pranks on them, and ultimately turn them against each other in an epic battle of survival of the fittest. I'll play funny tricks like hiding all the furniture while they're at school to pretend we moved away without them. Boobytraps will be commonplace. I've decided that I'm also going to hold all of my sons back in elementary school. When they wonder why they're six feet tall in the fourth grade and have mustaches like all of the Latino kids, I will tell them to thank me when they enter college as 21 year old freshman. That's straight fatherly love. One thing about us Perry boys (and I'm sure my sons will be blessed with the same genetics), puberty hits us like freight trains. One Christmas we're short and cute, the next we're greasy, hairy, and gangly invoking shocked expressions of "What in the hell happened to you?" from extended family. It's good times.

The two biggest choices I'll face as a father are their gender, and their names. No, you can't choose their gender, but you can choose whether or not to keep them. Like one day I could take my daughter to the park and come back empty handed.

"Honey, where's our daughter?"

"What daughter?"

Easy as that. But assuming that a daughter does hang around long enough to get named before she is strategically misplaced, what do you name her? There are a couple of caveats I thought of for naming girls.

The Irony Twist:

If you name her Angel or Chastity, she will turn out to be a whore. Guaranteed.

Hot or Not:

If you name her a boys name, she will turn out to be hot. Alex, Blair, Taylor, etc. I don't think I'll be able to handle having a hot daughter, so she's going to get something like Hilda, Fran, or Fanny.

Androgyny:

If you give her an androgynous name like Chris or Jerry, she would most likely plump up, grow a wispy mustache, and maintain a bowl haircut well into her middle years. If she becomes a lesbian, I wouldn't have to worry about guys fucking her. I am completely fine with a gay daughter.

The Rhyme:

If my wife and I are drunk when we do the naming, there is an excellent chance of her being named Mary, Carrie, or Terry. Hell maybe we'll make one a first name and save one for the middle. Doesn't "Carrie Mary Perry" just roll off your tongue?

Guess Who's First?

By taking a normal name like Ashley or Allison and adding two more 'a's to the front, you can bet that little Aaallison will be going first for every book report and presentation in her entire childhood. It builds character.

There are millions of possibilities that I'll think of in the years to come. Whatever the case, in the next decade I'm probably going to have some kids to entertain myself and write about. I'll just trick a really hot girl into marrying me and then knock her up a few times, it'll be a hoot. Until then? I'm not answering the door for anyone that looks under eight years old.
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