How to lose 10 pounds without lifting a finger.

Last summer, I got fat. Getting fat was actually quite enjoyable and easy. I just ate anything and everything I wanted to. Near work there was a lunch buffet with these great sushi rolls, and every time I ate there I would try to set a new record on how many I could eat in one sitting.

Eating Sushi is Masculine.

My record was either 27 or 28 tasty little rolls. Picture this every day, and then going to sit in my cubicle to turn into veal. A couple of pictures I saw really made me notice I was no longer the trim, sleek, machine I was when I got to Tech:

and gay looking wearing pink shirts. The equation for the graph says that I lost a quarter of a pound a day, on average. That sucks for running 3 miles a day. By nine months later, I had put back on all fifteen pounds. Sweet. Then I moved out here to Arizona, found another diet plan, and lost the 15 again in 3 weeks. So may I present my new diet plan:

The Diet Zone

This diet is really pretty easy. I was inspired to invent it by a table full of pre-trophy wife blondes sitting at a table being obnoxious at Big Al's. You start by waking up, and sitting on the couch until breakfast time. Usually for me this is about 2:00 pm. So when you get hungry you enjoy your first meal of:

Cigarettes.

These tasty tobacco treats contain zero calories and zero net carbs, and really cure an appetite. Smoke several breakfasts if you want. Continue sitting on the couch, watching TV (might I suggest home shopping network) and sending text messages to your roommate asking how work is going. After breakfast wears off and during a commercial break, it's time for lunch:

Cigarettes and Diet Coke.

Drink up. Again, this meal totals zero net carbs and zero calories. By the time you finish, reruns of "Just Shoot Me" and "Seinfeld" are on, so you can either watch these or take nap #1. This is where I finished my diet; I would now go to the bar and drink my dinner. BUT, the real hardcores can take the Diet Zone a little further.

About now the sun is setting, and since you've been living like a supermodel all day, it's time to finish it off right by getting a little crazy. Spend at least one (1) hour in front of the mirror getting pretty before dinner. Now, eat up. A perfect dinner to start the night off right; a tasty mirror full of :

Coke.

Blow a few lines and then it's time to head downtown. Drink anything you want, you have the metabolism of a runaway freight train. Ever wonder how people drop their freshmen 15 in their last semester of college? Now you know, The DZ (Diet Zone). So next time you're at Big Al's and you see a hot skinny blonde, you can turn to your friend and say, "That's definitely a DZ kind of girl" and for the first time, your non-frat friend will understand. Me? Point fingers? Never.