Tonight I have decided to watch Brokeback Mountain, and I'm not going to turn it off until I vomit. I've been 'curious,' if you will, about it for some time now... and sitting through it will be a trial by fire for my heterosexuality. This is a big risk because my envious fascination with the cowboy lifestyle will most likely be forever tainted, but it's a risk I have to take. So far the most unfortunate part of the whole experience is that I had to watch a half hour of "Taxi," the movie with Queen Latifa, beforehand. The idea of a car hauling her fat ass more than 35 miles per hour is just absurd.

Ok feature presentation, here we go.

10:31 - Title Screen.

10:32 - Cowboys walk towards each other with eyes shamefully turned towards ground. Sexual tension can be cut with a knife, knot forms in my stomach.

10:37 - They accidentally touch elbows. I put finger on remote control power button.

10:38 - They finally start talking. It is obvious that the producer never hired a country accent coach. I notice that Heath Ledger has a very small mouth, and become scared.

10:49 - First shirt comes off.

10:50 - Heath Ledger is now naked in unfocused background shot. I realize I might need Rolaids to get through this.

10:52 - Jake whatever-his-name-is flashes first queery smirk.

10:56 - Heath plays hard to get by turning down offer to share the tent.

10:56 - He changes his mind. They start to spoon. Oh fuck. Oh God don't do it.

10:59 - I will never go camping again.

11:01 - They show second naked cowboy.

11:02 - Quote: (morning after buttfucking)

H: "You know I ain't queer."

J: "Me neither."

11:03 -Longing french kiss. However much these two actors got paid is about 1000 times too little.

11:04 - Naked wrestling cowboys observed by domineering herding boss. Predicting some kind of ass beating/threesome in the near future.

11:09 - One cowboy ropes the other, and their flirting turns into a fist fight. Curious whether both could be arrested for hate crimes?

11:12 - They part ways. More awkward ground staring.

11:17 - One cowboy gets married and his wife has two children within five movie minutes. If they spin "homosexuality is genetic," the (back) door is wide open for a sequel.

11:20 - Married cowboy starts giving it to wife from behind out of sexual nostalgia.

11:28 - I see a mediocre looking girl's tits, as the other cowboy fucks her. At this point a boner is an impossibility.

11:30 - These cowboys are fucking potent, because now she has a child too.

11:34 - Cowboys get back together and start making out at first sight. Wife 1 catches them, and looks as appalled as I am.

11:35 - They get a motel room together, but have yet to draw a warm bath.

11:37 - Wife looks like she's about to commit suicide. If she gets creative enough, I might join in.

11:38 - Two cowboys announce they're going "fishing." My number one hobby immediately drops three dozen places.

11:39 - They get naked and jump off a cliff. Third nude shot.

11:49 - Pair of tits #2 roll off me like frequent bar rejections, cowboy 1 gets divorced.

11:53 - Jake drives down to Mexico to fill sodomy craving, then grows a mustache.

12:07 - Jake gets an indecent proposal from his wife's friend's husband. Looks like we're going to see a lot more "fishing" yet.

12:10 - Heath and his daughter look the exact same age.

12:16 - Heath gets mad at his cowboyfriend for fucking a Mexican boy.

12:17 - Phrase "high altitude fuck" is dropped in same lovers quarrel.

12:24 - Gay cowboy Jake is dead. He was living in Texas, so you can probably guess why.

12:28 - Turns out the dead gay cowboy had been cheating with another gay cowboy. I find three gay cowboys in the American West to be somewhat of a stretch. The producer has obviously skimped on the makeup artist as well, because it looks like Heath's upper cheek is about to fall off in mid conversation with his daughter.

12:38 - Movie is finally over. I seriously feel nauseous, and will sleep sucking my thumb in the fetal position.

Seeing this in the theater would have been like paying $8.00 to shove two fingers down my throat; I feel bad for the guy that had to mop the floors after the Sundance Film Festival. Camping alone with a male friend is now completely out of the question, as is fishing with one. Riding horses, chopping wood, building campfires, flannel.... ruined, ruined, ruined, ruined. I'm probably going to have to throw away my tent too, since now my fears of being attacked by things outside my tent are far surpassed by being attacked by things inside.

I want my innocence back.