About two weeks ago, one of our friends had invited Graham and I to a comedy show because she had won free tickets. It was a complete disaster. These guys were so terrible that as most of their jokes came out I actually felt embarrassed for them, and any decent ones had a punch line you could see from a mile away, so all I could do was double fist beers and pretend to slit my wrists. To top it off, these two gross old people in front of us kept sticking their tongues down each others throats. It was like sitting through three hours of church.

But - one of the girls we were with was hot. Really hot. Fast forward to this past Friday night. Our friend texts me to meet up, and I'm with two of my friends - Chris and Kevin. We walk over to the bar she's at and the Hotness is with her. A couple of introductions, awkward silences, and (finally) shots later, everything congeals. Everybody is getting wasted and having an awesome time. We all head to another bar, and I start flirting with the Hotness. At first she comes across as a valley girl, but turns out she has a lot going for her. Just as I feel we are hitting it off, I feel laser eyes burning into my back. Apparently the girl I'm friends with, who brought Hotness, is getting jealous.

I went over to smooth things over and she blurts out in a very angry tone, "You know... If you want to, she'll probably go home and fuck you."

I tossed this around in my head for a microsecond, trying to figure out what asinine reverse psychology she was going for, until I stopped caring, said, "That would be Perfect." and went back to continue flirting. That was basically the beginning of the end, because at this point she turned into a giant bitch. It took both Chris and Kevin to occupy her while I worked on the Hotness. I mean, these guys were fucking soldiers. We continued to drink, and I think at one point I grinded on a married Mexican woman. Some idiot (me) decided it would be an awesome idea to do a late night at one of the two girls' places, who both live in BFE. I mean, it should be blatantly obvious to everyone exactly what I was trying to do here, right?

Surprisingly, the girls agreed and so did Chris and Kevin. We all got in Hotness' car and the three of us guys piled in the back. While we were all verbally sharing our wills in the case that one of us survived Hotness' driving, one of them got a text from a hook-up buddy,

"Hey - where are you? I want you to take me home with you."

Realizing that he was trapped with no way back to her, his eyes glazed over as he hung his head and succumbed to the inevitable car ride into the dark middle-of-nowhere.

We started off the late night by repositioning some of the herd.

The late night sucked. Chris, still demoralized by his missed chance, passed out face-down on the carpet, and Kevin ended up sleeping on the couch snuggling the dog. Hotness and I shaded out to her place.

About the time that I woke up and saw Hotness' little fucking poodle running around the room with my chewed up dress-sock, Chris and Kevin were waking to the wrath of Blondezilla. She laid into Chris about eating her roommates Ego's when he was blackout drunk, shortly before passing out.

Chris told me about it.

"I told her I only had two." She said, "YOU ATE TWO?"

When they asked how they were supposed to get home, she was all exasperated and goes "I DON'T KNOW. PERRY LEFT YOU HERE." They had to call their roommate, who had just gotten off the night shift, to drive 20 minutes outside of town to pick them up. I talked to her the next night.

"I knew you had a hand in this as soon as I got the phone call." She said.

I think from now on I'm going to carry around a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.

I could have read her the page that says, "When you're standing next to your friend, and he's trying his hardest to fuck your friend, and he's sent two wing-men to take you out, he's just not that into you."