I was talking to my mom on the phone the other night and she told me that she was using the internet to find people to date. I pointed out that she had obviously hit rock bottom, but go figure after polishing off her third divorce. I tried to explain to her why internet dating is a disaster waiting to happen, but she just wouldn't listen. So I took to the internet and did some investigating.

Here's the basic breakdown of how internet dating works (from what I can gather): You make a profile which is supposed to tell other people about yourself and your interests, and what you're looking for in someone to date. What it really does is showcase your poor grammar and make you look like a pathetic loser/idiot to the rest of the world. You add a bad picture of yourself and perhaps a completely irrelevant picture of something like your pet dog or your car. (We'll get to that later) You make a username and a little blurb about yourself, then there are statistics about yourself like such:

Her blurb should have been something more like "I make raccoons jealous with my eye makeup."

Some blurbs I found really just piss me off, especially quotes from movies, like:

Or a shitty song quote from a shitty song:

Or the worst joke I have ever heard in my life:

But what pisses me off the most is the fantasy and completely unrealistic expectations some people have for online dating.

What the hell do you want your "Kinght" in shining armor to save you from, a dragon? An evil wizard? (Probably more like credit card debt and an angry pimp) Get your head out of your ass, you're not a princess and the last real knight (NO, that crusty old beatle Paul McCartney doesn't count) was killed like 500 years ago.

I mean everyone seems to forget the most useful blurb of all: "I'm NORMAL, I swear to God."

The all time winning profile probably has to go to "Michh400" with this beauty:

An apparently very light skinned African American who lives in DC and is looking to date a European.

Which leads directly into my next point, PEOPLE LIE ONLINE. Why? Because they can hide behind the safety of their computer screens. You wouldn't find the girl pictured above at a bar in casual conversation bringing up that she's of African descent. But online, anything goes. Look at this profile. This jackass didn't even take out the real name of the model, who obviously she is not.

But now we're getting into blatant liars, which even the casual idiot could see through. The real dangers would lie in what I will call "landmines".... the tragedies that you would never see coming until they're too late. Example: Let's say this online girl emails you. You stalk her profile and see her picture:

which isn't the end of the world. You talk, she's cool. So since you have no game and can't approach/hook up with/relate to women, you decide to meet this internet girl outside of a local restaurant. You park your car, walk up, and .....

your night is instantly ruined. That's right, she used the picture from 4 years ago before she had 3 children and started ordering dessert before appetizers. Everyone has that one picture where they look absolutely fantastic, because it's at a weird angle, or you're twisted in a weird pose. They are deceiving and without multiple pictures, you would never see this landmine coming.

I'm sure you're asking what an awesome internet profile would look like, so I took the liberty of creating one. Fear:

That's right ladies, line up; Thor69's in town. Obviously portraying myself as a viking makes me look very tough, and girls love tough guys. (See picture) The point of this is that if you want to pursue this internet dating garbage, you'd have to be different. Literally half of the profiles I read had the same bland crap:

"I like to go out on the town or curl up with a bottle of wine and watch a movie. I'm comfortable in a nice dress or sweat pants when it's rainy outside. I want someone who is not too clingy but not too distant. I love hanging out with my friends and going to the movies."

There were some interesting profiles I came across, which obviously I will make fun of:

"Not really Normal." This is definitely one of those "nobody understands me" crybabies who paint their nails black, like to swear a lot and talk about how much they break the law, and have tattoos proportional to how much attention they want and are not getting. Frequently suicidal. Probably molested as a child. I love how her "sign" is cancer as she takes sexy drags off her cigarette in the picture.

Hey son, let's read your favorite, "captain underpants"

Here is one who definitely has her priorities straight.

I don't think that most of America understands the difference between how men and women think. Remember, if you're a woman you're supposed to be trying to convince a man to date you on this internet thing. Here's an example:

Guys don't like small dogs, girls like small dogs. So unless you're trolling for a lesbian, I'd leave a picture like this out. A dog like this is begging to be punted across the room, and a guaranteed reason for a guy not to spend the night.

I'm going to have to go off on a tangent at this point. Without writing my own edition of Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, here is my basic take on the main differences between men and women. Men are very simple minded and efficient. They do things for an end result, they don't do things "to do" them.... such as playing cards. If both a man and woman lose at cards, the woman would most likely comment on how much fun she had playing, while the man would say "Fuck, I lost." He only cares about the end result. That's why you will never see a man going for a walk, unless he is shackled to his girlfriend.

So pictures of pets, sunsets, and pretty landscapes are just visual turnoffs for men. These are so much better ideas:

Furthermore, if a girl ever says "I like to try new things" it automatically makes guys think she likes anal. Period. I know I picked on a lot of women in trying to justify why internet dating is gay, and out of curiosity I took a gander at what the loser guys looked like. Stay tuned for that webpage, this is just going to be too easy.