Way back in highschool, when I was Mormon, I used to make fun of people for drinking. I adopted a policy of "don't knock it until you try it," and well, you know how that turned out. I still use that same policy with the exceptions of crack and homosexuality. So after writing this, I figured I'd give dating on the internet a shot. Plus, I was new in town. I was new in town, and wanted to bang shady girls.

So how does one begin to date on the internet you ask? With the realization that you have become a sexual catfish; a slimy bottom feeder of the dating pond.  Now take out your wallet, catfish, it's time to pay money.

There are four main sites designed specifically, or with provisions for, meeting women on the internet. Together they run the gamut of cost, quality, and exposure. Here is the rundown, site by site, with a ranking for each criteria (0-least 10-most).

Exposure: 0
Cost: 10 ($59.95 for 1 month)
Quality: 3

Eharmony starts out by making you fill out a little 300 question survey so they can determine your personality. That's a lot of fucking questions. While some may think it serves the purpose of filtering all but the most determined daters, I would counter by pointing out that by the same token, it would filter out all but the most determined sociopaths. In other words... good luck; you just doubled down.

After filling out the ridiculous survey, their dating supercomputer provides you with a list of compatible matches. By reading the profiles of the women it chose for me I'll admit that I was impressed. They all sounded awesome. In order to see their pictures and "communicate" with them, you have to get a membership. So, I took out my wallet and paid $60.00 for the biggest visual cockslapping I've ever received. In fact, by the time I reached the picture on the last profile I was laughing at myself for getting so badly Shanghaied by an online dating site. Well played Eharmony, well played indeed.

So basically, you're paying at least $60 to go on blind dates. Not your typical blind date where the two of you have never seen each other, but the kind where the guy who set you up was blind, with a vengeful sense of humor. This is by far the biggest drawback of the site, besides people knowing that you're on it.

I intentionally put air quotes around "communicate" earlier. The second drawback is that you can't directly communicate with anyone. For $60 I expected to get their phone number in addition to their email address, their bra size, and social security number, but all you get is to choose a set of questions for them to answer. You can't even make your own, like, "Spit or swallow?" or "Have you ever dated a black guy?" etc. It's stupid shit like, "Is your idea of the perfect date a) a candle lit dinner, b) hot dogs at the ballpark, etc. which, obviously, no one cares about.

The one slight derived benefit of this site then, is that no one will ever know that you're on it unless they're on it too. Even then if they're at all attractive you have nothing to worry about because you will never get matched with them.

Stay tuned for Part II...