Last night, I had set my alarm clock for 9:45 AM so I could get up and call this guy about doing lunch. I hit snooze until noon when I finally just turned off my alarm clock and kept sleeping. Being unemployed is pretty rough. I woke up at 1:30 pm to my phone ringing. I passed up the first few rings and then looked and saw that it was an unknown Phoenix area code number. I picked it up and said "Hang on." while I leaned over and coughed, and cleared my throat enough to sound like I hadn't been sleeping well into the afternoon. "Hello?"

"Hi Perry, this is Kevin H**** from (wherever, can't remember the company name that I interviewed with on Friday) and I'm calling to offer you the job."

Me: "Oh that's great, I'm glad I got it. When do you want me to start?"

Kevin: "ASAP."

Me: "You mean like tomorrow?"

Kevin: "Well if you want to come in this afternoon we can start filling out paperwork."

Me: "I have some loose ends I have to tie up this afternoon." (Loose ends = happy hour, and not wanting to get dressed for the day before sundown)

Kevin: "Ok that's fine, we can start tomorrow morning."

Me: "I don't think we ever talked about this, but what hours do you work?"

Kevin: "About 8-5pm, bla bla bla."

Me: "Ok, see you tomorrow at 8."

I was excited that I had finally, FINALLY, after 7 months, been offered a job. I had been applying since August, and was reaching the ends of my patience and credit. I walked onto the porch and smoked a celebratory cigarette, and texted everyone. Then I sat there for a moment and actually thought about it. "I have a job!" No more worrying about money. Then I thought about it some more. "I have a .....job." I hadn't even spent a day by the pool, traveling to the grand canyon, or done anything cool to enjoy my unemployment yet. And now? It was over. I felt like someone had used a bucket of cold water to jerk me out of a pleasant dream. No more day drinking. No more staying up until 6 AM to fuck around on the internet. Consequently, no more sleeping in until afternoon, and fewer self massage sessions. No more lounging around like a trophy wife.

In college, there was only one class I ever took at 8 AM, without dropping within a week. I would never had shown up if it weren't taught by my advisor. Now? It's going to be a lifestyle. I'm going to get up at the ass crack of dawn to drive through traffic and do a job I hate already. I've had three people tell me the same thing. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it." I plan on using the same line on my wife in twenty years to spice up our love life with anal sex. Is it true? Probably. But that doesn't mean you're going to like it the first few times.

I'm going to work for an engineering firm that designs and installs satellite dishes all over the world. Fun fact: They almost went out of business, but were saved by hard work and luck twenty some years ago. I don't think they realize that by hiring an idiot like me, with my hard work and luck they'll be put out of business by a twenty some year old. Coincidence? I think not. I barely know how satellite dishes work, and I'll be installing them in different countries around the world. I find it hysterical that they're going to send the most impatient, narrow minded, culturally devoid, uni-lingual quasi redneck to "help them out." Interpreter? No thanks. I trust the future of your company to my phenomenal charades skills. Time to set my cell phone and two alarm clocks so I don't blow this on day 1.